So Lost
by shistarlet
Summary: Ryan had known that there was something that Troy was battling with, day in and day out. TroyRyan slash oneshot...


**Title**: So Lost  
**Rating**: M just incase some people find it offensive!  
**Pairing**: Troy/Ryan  
**Genre**: Songfic/Romance/Angst  
**Warnings**: Slash (meaning boy on boy action...if you don't like, get out!)  
**Summary**: It's the beginning of senior year, and Troy has been the victim of cruel fate. Who is there to pick up the pieces but Ryan Evans, someone Troy had never seen himself befriending in a lifetime. But a chance meeting in the empty auditorium during lunch period on the first day back turns Troy's world upside down.  
**A/N**: The title comes from the Augustana song "Boston", which I have fallen deeply in love with. I'll be using song lyrics throughout. I know that the song is about a girl, but, well...I want to use it, and it's my story, so there! hah!   
**Disclaimer**: I don't own HSM or its characters, or anything else you recognize, including the song "Boston"...though I wish I did...especially Lucas Grabeel...he's just so loveable...

So Lost

**in the light of the sun, is there anyone? oh it has begun...****  
****oh dear, you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed.******

The halls of East High rumbled with excitement. For most, returning to school in the fall was just that, an exciting time. Not that anyone looked forward to classes, but they got to see their friends again. Every day. Ryan Evans detested returning to school. He preferred the solitary quiet of his room at home. And that was where he wished he was today.

Troy couldn't hear himself think above the din in the hallway. Not that he necessarily needed to hear his own thoughts. Lately, he'd been nothing but full of them, and he thought that, maybe going back to school could be an escape. The summer had wreaked havoc on his life. He and Gabi hadn't lasted through July, and to make matters worse, he and Chad were fighting more often lately. His best friend had better things to do - like Taylor.

Ryan hadn't felt so dreadful since the beginning of last year, but he knew that he couldn't escape what late August meant. He knew where he could escape though. Lunch perioud couldn't come soon enough. He sat through class, a blank stare fixed on his delicate features, his mind somewhere else. He'd waited for this year for so long. May meant that he could finally get out of here. Get out on his own. Whether or not that meant college, he wasn't sure yet. He still had nine months to figure that out.

Troy had done a lot of soul searching through the summer. It was because of all that searching that the numbness that school brought was welcome. He was thinking about things in ways that he'd never thought possible. Nothing was clear anymore. Things that he had believed for as long as he could remember were no longer in the realm of black and white truth. Grey area was clouding his vision. It had begun slowly creeping in as he and Gabriella struggled to keep their romance afloat in the early weeks of vacation. 

He was distant, she said so herself. He couldn't concentrate anymore. He'd lost interest in Gabi...he was sad to say so, but he couldn't go on like this. That was when he decided to do the right thing and break it off. He found himself immersed in strange thoughts and even stranger dreams. The night that the blond boy appeared in his dreams - the first of many - was the night he'd woken in a cold sweat, shaking with...arousal. That was certainly not expected. So, when said blond boy ran into Troy in the hall that day, he could do nothing more than stare in bewilderment before practically running in the opposite direction. He never saw the curious look on Ryan Evans' face.

It was no secret that he was gay. He didn't mind people knowing. Ryan Evans felt that he had a right be proud of who he was. Sharpay seemed to be even prouder, though. He knew she meant well, but it just seemed like she had to show him up in every way possible. Not that he was angry. His twin sister seemed to fit in so well this year. What with her basketball boyfriend, Zeke, she had it made. Ryan had not expected her to be attached to him forever, and, secretly, he was relieved that she had somone new in her life. Not only was she happy, but now it would be easier for him to sneak away at random moments.

Troy hadn't expected anyone else to be in the auditorium. That was why he had chosen that particular place at that particular time. The lonliness and quiet would be comforting. The clicking from his sneakers echoed around him as he wandered the stage aimlessly. He had to shake himself of this feeling. He had nothing against anyone who chose to live an alternative lifestyle, least of all Ryan Evans. They'd gotten to know each other throughout _Twinkle Towne_, and, though Troy had been one to laugh at the boy when he'd first come out to his peers, he'd found a newfound respect for Ryan and his strength. But, he had to face it, that wasn't him. He couldn't be that person. He was weak, he was...not expecting the tears rolling down his cheeks. 

He sat down, the blood rushing to his head. He dangled his feet over the edge of the stage, laid his head in his hands, and let out all the emotions that had been roaming about him for the last month or so. His body shook with sobs as he finally admitted to himself that he couldn't run away from this. He had to face up to who he was. Wasn't he the one who'd encouraged being yourself and liking everyone for who they were last year? He'd never thought he'd have to be the one taking of the mask, though.

Ryan carefully opened the stage door, concentrating more on the inaction without than the action within. It wasn't until he was hiding behind one of the side leg curtains that he even noticed Troy Bolton sitting on the edge of the stage, sobbing into open hands. Wasn't this the perfect basketball boy? The golden boy of East High whom everyone loved, adored, and worshipped? Of course, his worshippers included Ryan (secretly, of course), which was probably why he was left so shocked.

"Troy?" his voice came out soft and shaky as he crept out of the shadows and toward the other boy.

Troy sniffled as he turned profile to catch a glimpse of none other than Ryan Evans, the reason he was here in the first place. He roughly wiped at the remaining tears, knowing that his eyes and face were red and puffy. "Yeah?" he croaked.

"What are you doing here?" Ryan ventured, a truly curious look in those crystal blue eyes that had Troy captured the minute the other crouched down to see if he was alright.

"Just...I don't know. Taking some time for myself, I guess. What about you?"

"I can't stand coming back to school. I'd much rather be on my own at home," Ryan answers sharply. "Won't people be missing you?"

"They have to find a new hero to worship. I'm leaving soon, and once they find out who I really am, they won't want me anyway," Troy states sadly, taking his gaze from Ryan's.

"I'll still be here."

**this world you must've crossed...you said...****  
****you don't know me, you don't even care,****  
****you don't know me, you don't wear my chains...****  
**  
Everyday, for the last two months, Ryan and Troy had been meeting on the stage during lunch period. Everyday, Troy got closer to finally telling Ryan the truth about himself. But everytime he got close, he backed out before anyting truly damning could be said. Troy was beginning to fear himself more than anyone else. What difference did the hate of others mean against the hate of self? He couldn't escape it.

Ryan had known that there was something that Troy was battling with, day in and day out. He could never get his friend to talk openly about it though. He was vague, saying that he'd begun seeing the world in a new light, from a different perspective, and even venturing to say that this new perspective would produce misunderstandings and ridicule from others. That was all Ryan knew. Of course, he had his inklings, his thoughts, but he never wanted to say it out loud, in case this was all just a dream. If that was the case, he wasn't going to make the move to end it.

"Ryan, how do you stay so strong?" The question had come out of the blue. The two young men had been sitting in one of their frequent states of comfortable silence when Troy had made the fated inquiry. It seemed as it wasn't only Ryan who was surprised by it, either.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, how do you stand being made fun of by close minded, homophobic assholes. You seem to walk away from every word of ridicule and disgust with dignity and integrity...unscathed. How do you do it?" Troy finally met Ryan's eyes, crystal blue boring into clouded.

"Troy, I don't always escape unscathed. Sadly, some of those assholes think they can get me to switch to their team by beating the shit out of me. If only they knew..." Ryan's words were sad, and it made Troy hurt to hear them. That's what he was afraid of. 

Ryan sighed, and it echoed through the space that had become theirs. Troy didn't miss the lone tear that ran down that porcelain cheek, and he found himself placing a warm hand upon Ryan's. The smaller boy looked up, his eyes full of tears and comfort all at once.

It was those eyes that drew Troy closer, his lips lightly brushing Ryan's in a chaste kiss that neither of them had truly been ready for. Their meetings were about to get a bit more complicated.

**essential and appealed, carry all your thoughts across an open field.****  
****when flowers gaze at you...they're not the only ones who cry when they see you.******

Things hadn't been the same since Troy had kissed Ryan that day in the auditorium. They only got more convoluted they day he'd decided to hold hands with his new love throughout the day - where everyone else could see. Ryan had originally laughed at the thought, saying that it would never happen, because Troy had stage fright when it came to truth. They'd both laughed when they'd entered the auditorium, leaving hundreds of their classmates gaping at the closing stage door.

Though Ryan was somewhat of a relief and a comfort to Troy's problem, the mystery of his life seemed to grow with the burning sensation that he got in the pit of his stomach when he and Ryan kissed. That was why he was pacing his bedroom tonight. He'd made an offer to his boyfriend, and now he'd never been so nervous in his life.

The light tapping against his window startled him, but he pratically lept at the paned doors that led to the balcony from his room. Ryan stood in the rain, his blond locks pasted to his forehead, and his eyelashes matted together beautifully. He was soaked to the bone from the walk over, and now he was shivering.

"You called?" he spoke past chattering teeth.

Troy said nothing, just closed the door as he pulled the boy in by the wrist and pressed his lips roughly against Ryan's. Ryan gasped between passionate kisses, unsure of why exactly he was here - not that he was complaining.

"You're so whipped," Troy finally whispered, his forehead pressed against his love's, one hand wrapped around the back of Ryan's neck, holding him in place, the other still holding his wrist tightly. "And I'm completely in love with you. I love you Ryan Evans."

The words caught him off guard, but he'd been waiting to hear them for so long. "I love you, too," he choked out past the beginnings of tears.

"No. NO crying. This is a happy night. The 'rents are gone, and I'm ready."

If Ryan had thought the first revelation had caught him off guard, this completely side swipped him. He was shocked beyond words, but wasn't about to protest when Troy began unbuttoning his shirt.

Lust erupted within Troy's bedroom, words absent, the only sounds that echoed throughout the small confines were moans and elicit, unrecognizable whispers. Troy had never felt so complete as when Ryan was deep within him, finally making him whole.

**she said i think i'll go to boston...****  
****i think i'll start a new life,****  
****i think i'll start it over, where no one knows my name.******

Ryan sat in Troy's familiar bedroom, the wonder of graduation still in the air. The party had ended only minutes ago, and now Ryan waited.

"I'm leaving," Troy finally declared. "I'm driving to Boston in two days."

Ryan had been expecting this. He wasn't sure if he believed in long distance relationships. "I'm happy for you. I know how hard this year has been for you. I think you need a new start."

"I don't want a completely new start. I want you there with me. I couldn't have made it through this year without you. I couldn't have been strong without you. I couldn't have done anything without you. I love you Ryan, and I want you with me."

"Troy, I love you too, but...I don't know if I can. There's so much I want to do. I want to move to New York. You're going to school in Boston, and I'm not going to school at all," Ryan averted his gaze, not wanting to look the love of his life in the eye.

"You can't take a small detour to Boston for a few years?" Troy asked hopefully, that deliciously wry smile on his lips.

Ryan's eyes were honest, and loving. "I'm sorry, Troy. I love you with all my heart and soul, but I just...I can't. If you really want a new start, you have to do it without me. If it's meant to be, we'll find each other again. I love you."

**i think i'll go to boston,****  
****i think that i'm just tired.****  
****i think i need a new town, to leave this all behind...****  
****i think i need a sunrise, i'm tired of the sunset,****  
****i hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice...****  
****boston...where no one knows my name...******

Those were the last words he'd heard from Ryan Evans. _I love you. _And he carried them in his heart still today. Every time he saw Ryan's picture in a magazine or on television, his heart still jumped after all this time. He was still waiting for that fateful day when he would find out that they were indeed, meant to be...after Boston...

**A/N**: Well, that wasn't so bad, now was it? I thought not...It actually turned out as well as I'd hoped! Hope you like! I did change the lyrics a bit, skipped some stuff toward the end, because they didn't really fit...eh...it's my story, my decision!


End file.
